check engine

it's hard to believe that the holidays are five minutes away. the lights are up, the music is drifting through, sparkles, twinkles, toys, gifts, lists, cookies, calls, cards, plans, parties, cocktails, calories, resolutions, promises, parking, payments, and my check engine light is on. no, seriously, the check engine light in my car is on. well, actually, it's been on for awhile. but, sometimes it turns off for a day or two.

i love those days... on those days i am so together, better organized, "closing deals," appropriate, relevant, coordinated, and always a few minutes early to everything. i like to think that my dashboard is giving me a break, as though my car and i have an understanding...life is just too busy this time of year for car trouble and well, my car wouldn't want to impose. or that it's just my idiot lights way of telling me to take a deep breath, that everything is going to be alright...note: i am taking cues from "idiot lights." i know, i have to know better.

and then the light comes back on.

and i think, is this some kind of metaphor? and if so, i get it, but i'd rather put it off.  so let's just say it's that blaring metaphor, and this is the universe's way of telling me to slow down and check in. i would say yes, that sounds about right, but that seems too obvious, too heavy breathery... so, what's the message?

well, lately i find myself measuring things in very realistic terms. i am spread thin these days so there is inherently less of me to pick up slack. when i am firing on all cylindars my engine is like a v-12; i am hardwired to be more efficient the busier i am, if not slightly hysterical, and all kinds of manic. so i'm all revved up now, but there is a faint whirring sound as though i'm on the stretch before the screeching hault.

i suppose that's just it, things are wrapping up for the year--and just like everyone else i am seeing if i can't squeeze a few more things in, pre-resolution, pre-holiday meltdown, or pre-flu.

but as we tick away toward midnight i can't help but feel like i haven't done enough, given enough, learned enough, shared enough, grown enough and on and on. at best i have written this post (even if i started it last week) and told you thank you for reading this year, and i can't wait to get back in touch in 2012...

so i guess, today, i am a writer because i look at the dashboard of my car and see the words, "check engine," and that signals a million stories about speeding, working parts, mechanics, fixing, and breaking, and then getting fixed again.

and so you ask: why won't i take my car in? well, that's another story, maybe one for next year...